Chain Reaction

I really do my best, did you know that?
I'm saying that because I see you standing there, explaining things to me as if I was a blind, deaf, retarded sociopath and could never get a word of what you're saying. And all I do is write, drink water and frown, and it looks like I'm trying to suck the graffito out of my pencil, but I'm not, I'm actually trying to concentrate.
I try to sit in a proper position, nod and look at you in a gentle way, but as I'm doing it I think "wait, I'm not listening to what he says" and the panic begins.
I feel that you analyze every single thing that I do and that even a long blinking at the wrong time can somehow screw up my life. What you might think of me terrifies me, and I try, I try very hard to look and be clever, to impress you with my wit and freshness, but when you ask me a question I just freeze. Because the right answer never seems to come to mind, I can't think of anything funny because my whole existence is just sunk in the worst of the depressions and so the best option is to just smile and keep my mouth shut. Worst case scenario? You will think that I need some kind of help, that I'm a slow learner or that I just wanted to die so badly that I couldn't even speak.
As I said I do my best, here I am, sweating, looking at you, nodding, listening, writing, trying to understand, drinking water and thinking about all the things I have to do. All of that, at the same time.
It might seem like I do nothing to you, or that I'm some clueless doll. But I'm so much more than that.


Mademoiselle Juliettè,
I'm not asking for a second chance, I'm screaming at the top of my lungs. Give me reason, but don't give me choice cause I'll just make the same mistake again.