It can't be that hard, but seconds later my heart starts to race and I think about doing something else. But doing something else would mean giving up on this, for now, and then eventually, for ever.
And giving up on it for ever is something I always fantasized with, an idea I used to play with, knowing my brain would never let me put it into practice. Knowing it wasn't even possible for my system to go by without something like that.
Now, however, it just seems so real, it's almost there, I can feel the taste of a life without it in the tip of my tongue. And it tastes bitter, and it's a life I don't want to live anymore.
So here I am, going against everything I know to find the person I know I am. I'm facing my biggest demons and my darkest secrets, I'm enduring the most terrible of pains just to get this off of my chest.
This doesn't mean that I'm back. I'm will never really be "back", mainly because I'm not who I used to be. But it does mean that I'm ready to rediscover what this gift is all about, and to face this part of myself.
JJ
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