Game over

I know I shouldn't even think about you, let alone have feelings for you.
Still you're the only thing in my mind and I love you a bit more every day that goes by.
I'm done with the rhetorical questions, the doubts and the crying,
I'm through with lying, what I feel is real, no point in trying to deny it.


Mademoiselle Juliette,
You'll never get to heaven if you dance like that.

Secret

There's always something I'm not saying, something I keep to myself
life's a path that's full of secrets and these I really don't want to tell
just promise me you'll love me, even if I don't say it all
promise me you'll try to accept the fact that there are things you cannot know.

My mind likes to play tricks on me, but those are stories you don't need to hear
because if I mentioned every thought, every problem, every single moment of hesitation
you would run away in a heartbeat, and that's what I'm trying to avoid:
the look of disappointment that says it's all over.


Mademoiselle Juliette,
Friends think I'm wrong for being head over heels. I should be strong, should I stay and deal with it? Or should I just let go?

Pasados

Extraño tu pobre elocuencia, tu dura honestidad
y esa capacidad de enojarte por nada en particular.
Nunca te entendí del todo, pero eso jamás importo,
porque fuimos perfectos a nuestro modo
sin escuchar mucho a nadie más.

Y hoy, ya de lejos, te recuerdo y te hablo
me pregunto por que estamos como estamos
y me doy cuenta de como pasa el tiempo
de como nos alejamos, de como crecemos.


Mademoiselle Juliette,
No one believes you any lie.

You're a canary

I'm not as sad as I come across,
I'm not half the person I thought I was.

You're not perfect and you've let me down,
but I take things as they come
and I'm not giving up on us.

Save your kisses and your sighs,
don't even try with other girls
'cause you will only waste your time.

It's always been me, baby,
I can tell by the way you stare and smile.


Mademoiselle Juliette,
A very confusing way to feel.

Not the other way around

Everything's just as you left it
all the pillows and the covers
the blue sheets and broken drawers.
I don't want to turn on the lights
I don't want to see the mess you've left behind
the bruises and mistakes I carry on my back.
You've ruined my night, my thighs are black
I'm looking for relief in a bottle of wine
I'm trying hard to forget and never ever rewind.


Mademoiselle Juliette,
Every little psycho that you happen to see, well you meant everything to them but you meant nothing to me.

Laughed at by the gods

Those who cannot accept themselves destroy themselves

to the point of forgetting who they really were.

You were doomed from the start

a superior talent, a broken heart

building dreams from which you can't be apart.

You were right when you said that nobody understands

how can we know about the storms inside your head?

I trust you will be fine, anything's better than a lifetime messing up

you always knew better and, in the end, you found a way out.

It's been your voice, young woman, your emotions
that have set you apart from the rest.

Mademoiselle Juliette,

She had it coming and it happened. I'll always remember her as who she wanted to be, instead of who she became in the end. All the lost souls must eventually let go of themselves.

Tucking fibs into a cookie jar

I'm speechless and I don't even know if that's a good thing
this pain, this strain, this joy and this contempt,
so many thoughts together, all over my brain.

Please tell me what just happened
and explain to me why you're crying
I'm struggling to make sense, I'm tired of lying to your face.

It gets hard to tell the difference between reality and our dreams
someone has to show you the mistakes you're making here
It's got to be me, I have no other choice, I want to break free.


Mademoiselle Juliette,
This prison cell used to be a shelter, now we're just looking for the best way out.

Oh, I'm great

Hablás de mi como si supieras
y no entendés nada, me das mucha pena.
Te estás esforzando mucho
y nada de lo que digas me llega.
Pensé que te conocía
y que eras mejor que esto.
Estoy intentando no lastimarte
estoy cambiando para que vos no mueras.
Nótese que estoy dando un ejemplo acá
que te tengo mucha consideración.
No es mi intención que todo termine así de mal
pero no me dejás otra opción.


Mademoiselle Juliette,
You've always been a sociopath.

On love, in love

I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do.
I have so many feelings inside of me I cannot even express, this is something new to me.
I want to smile, I need to cry, I swear to God this isn't even my life.
I've never been this happy. I've never been this sad.


Mademoiselle Juliettè,
La canción desesperada.

Romeo's take on love

I thought Romeo was right, in a surreal and fantastic way. It turns out I was wrong.

Love is exactly what he said it was. I thought it would never happen, that it would never come true, yet here we are.

I would give anything to have a bottle of that poison, anything to ease this pleasant pain, but I could never let go of the memories of you, of how good it felt when you held my hand.

Mademoiselle Juliettè,
I could have died with you.

All things must come to an end

The only advantage of being a writer is that, from every tough situation, you get a lot of inspiration.
I've disappeared from the blog for the past few days, and I feel like I've been living someone else's life as well.
Just when I thought nothing could make me feel again, something, someone came up.
Sometimes we lose our way, and drift apart from the person we thought we were meant to be, only to find that those things we believed impossible are, actually, pretty easy to achieve. Just in time we realize that we've changed for ever, changed for good.
Without the unexpected things would be dull, predictable and simple. Complicated means change, change means progress and progress means growing up. I've spent hours, days, months wondering how does one grow up, but I've found that it's not something you do, it's just something that happens.
It doesn't really matter if you believe in destiny or not, sooner or later time catches up with you and everything evolves.
I'm still struggling with time and embracing the pain of leaving the today to live the tomorrow. I used to wish I could freeze the world just as it was, but I finally understood the meaning of change.


Mademoiselle Juliettè,
Parting is such sweet sorrow, but journeys end in lovers' meetings. 

Hurt

I still don't know you, after ten years and a half
I don't remember all the spots in your face
I just remember the way you held my hand
the look in your eyes when I said goodbye
and that was the first time that I broke a heart.

I must confess it felt so nice,
to have had the guts to do something like that
and even though I knew you'd hate me for life
I had to go through with my story, my lines,
to prove myself that I can hurt a man.


Mademoiselle Juliettè,
No more liars.

Craftsmen

You have built an enormous lie and bent over backwards to make me believe. With your whispers and rhymes you enchanted me, you fooled me, tricked me into thinking you were feeling things you were not.

For years and years you kept it alive, kept the connection and the contempt in my heart, because you had given me a home when all I had was a scar. 

But as time goes by I can see the master plan, I see the scheming and pretending and everything makes sense now. 

I see who you are and who you are not, I know what you feel and what you do to hide that too. There is just one thing I don't see, one thing I still can't comprehend.

Why did you feel the need to do such thing? Did it feel good, did it feel nice? Was it amusing to hear us sing and see the look in our eyes? 

Tears down our faces and things you could never understand, in the end we're far more real than you expected us to be.

You've changed my life and I can't deny that, but I hate the fact that it wasn't as special for you as it was for me. The memories I've come to treasure the most mean nothing to you, mean the world to me. 

How do I keep going with all this hate inside of me? With this anger, this fear and this disappointment of having wasted so much time and energy in something that was conceived as meaningless and mundane?

I should have known better, I should have given up. All the signs were there and I just refused to hear and kept on singing, blind. Blinded by the lights and that sense of unity you seemed to spread around.

Sometimes I think it was all me, looking for meaning in words that were flat, desperately trying to get something to hold on to. But it wasn't in my mind, I didn't imagine it. It was you, the craftsmen of suffering and despair, breaking illusions and hearts, because that's how you go about.

The hours that I've spent worshiping false gods I cannot ask back for. All can I do is hope I will never fall again in the irrelevant claws of commercial maneuvers, aimed at brainwashed dolls looking for a shag and some self-assurance.

Mademoiselle Juliettè

The winter of our discontent.

No podemos

Qué sabrás de mi, me tiene sin cuidado. Nada me avergüenza, nada que te puedan haber contado. El tiempo pasa y sos el mismo, soy la misma y el sentimiento es recíproco, pero la situación no acompaña, creeme, de esto no hay salida.
Porque pusiste tu mano en mi cintura y me dijiste lo prohibido, porque quisiste pasarte de listo y hacer cosas que no se te habían permitido, y no te importo el lugar, no te importo el momento, no te importo nada y la que paga el precio de tu indecencia es esta cara, confundida y lejana, que tenés en una foto arriba de tu cama.
Va a ser mejor olvidarse, si es que podés, si es que puedo. Dejemos todo esto atrás, no va a suceder ahora como no sucedio en su momento. Vos te vas y yo pienso, si algún día nos dejarán, si algún día podremos...


Mademoiselle Juliettè,
Oh you know who you are, you know that quite well indeed.

Everyday

Everyday that goes by I cry a bit more
cause it's another day without hearing your voice
and all the things that we did I'll never forget
because that's how I want it to be.


Mademoiselle Juliettè,
Vos me estás mirando y yo voy a caer.

Lady-juggler

A mistake, a phrase, a word, a proposition,
all of the things you fear the most and hate
for you to see, written all over my face.

I hope you had fun dancing your rejection dance
lying through your teeth and sending me mixed signals
such a flirt, a heart breaker, a lady-juggler and the like.


Mademoiselle Juliettè,
I can get mine, and you get yours.

Knock once for the father

Ya no sé que está bien porque no sé que está mal.
Voy por la vida, digo, hago, deshago,
y nunca me paro a pensar con qué fin, con qué intenciones.
Me baso en cosas que pasaron, en sensaciones que tuve,
en amenazas a mi pasado y en ese tiro que no fue disparado.
Todavía no definí a donde voy ni como voy a lograrlo
pero sé muy bien que con ustedes no voy a ningún lado.


Mademoiselle Juliettè,
Credevo fossi una virgola, invece sei il punto. 

Cannot refuse

Me duele saber, pensar y sentir que nunca tuve ni voy a tener algo tan real como lo que tuve con vos. Pero la certeza es tan inminente que no puedo más que sonreír y aceptarlo, como si no me quemara por dentro, como si no me importara.
A veces me pregunto si voy a crecer y dejarte atrás, si algún día te voy a olvidar, si se va a borrar mi memoria y de una vez por todas te voy a despegar de mí. Estás tan cómodo entre mis párpados, en cada línea, que no parece que fueses a irte a ningún lado.
No te quiero echar, no me malinterpretes, pero quiero seguir mi vida sin mirar atrás y verte ahí sentado, con los brazos abiertos y los ojos mojados, diciendo que me estuviste esperando, diciendo que nunca voy a amar a alguien como te amé a vos, diciendo que estoy arruinada, que esto fue todo y que para mí ya no hay mas amor.


Mademoiselle Juliettè,
I just can't get over you until you're over me.

Ella

Te tengo que dar un nombre rápido
antes de que mueras, antes del final
tengo que saber quien sos antes de dejarte ir
así sabré a quien recordar
y podré llamar de algún modo a mi dolor.
Quiero conocer tu cara y mostrarte
bajo la Luna, bajo las luces de neón
porque sos sólo mía
porque sos mi creación.


Mademoiselle Juliettè,
Have I found you? 

Wise or boring?

The wisest choice.
The one that's hard to make and hard to live with.
I don't know whether the regrets are worse than the what ifs
I just know that what I feel I never want to feel again.
I have to find a way out
so sick of living scared.


Mademoiselle Juliettè,
I'm not the girl that I intend to be.

You

I want something you can't give me.
I don't know if I really want you
 I'm just playing to get through the days.
I get a bit of fun from everything that I say,
I trick you into thinking that I am things I'll never be.
And you, gullible little boy, believe,
as if my words were sacred,
as if this pen in my hand wrote nothing but the truth.
You believe and your heart bleeds
from the pain I say I've been through,
your eyes cry the tears from the deaths of my beloveds,
every time you scream, you're screaming at my fears.
You have become a mere shadow,
the remains of my existence, there's no you anymore.


Mademoiselle Juliettè,
While the sun shines on you I need some love to rain on me.

Don't leave me

Greed gets stronger than patience and art becomes a consequence of that constant search for greatness.
What used to be meaningless now is the reason to live and the focus is gone, such a blur I see no goal.
What about reconginition? Well I don't know, you tell me about it, I only live through someone else's eyes.
Such a sad passing, such a lovely gift lost, all I want is that sparkle back, but nothing seems to work.
As much as I try what's gone won't come back, as much as I want it I know I've left it behind.


Mademoiselle Juliettè,
I'll be fine, it's not the first, just like last time but a little worse.

Pretty please

I don't want to look for you anymore I just want to find you
don't leave me hanging, on and on off, don't leave me hurting.
You know it's attention that I'm craving for so feed me
keep the pantomime alive, don't let this die, don't ruin things.


Mademoiselle Juliettè,
I declare I don't care no more.

Dream on

Te metiste en mis sueños, ese mundo subconciente del que te creés dueño. Nadie te invitó, nadie te había mencionado, no me explico por qué apareciste donde yo no te quiero, porque me escondo de vos cuando en mí me encierro.

No quiero volver a verte, no quiero pensarte más, tus palabras me lastimaron tanto que volver a escucharte me podría matar. Sé que merezco algo mejor y sé que lo voy a encontrar, pero no en tus ojos, no en tu voz, no acá.

Mademoiselle Juliettè,

Compassion is something that they just don't teach.

Pure

Yo nunca mentí al respecto ni oculté nada. Nunca tuve vergüenza ni miedo de decir la verdad.
No sé por que se empecinan en hacerme sentir mal, me siento mejor que ustedes, yo estoy cómoda con quien elegí ser, y cuando quiera puedo cambiar. Pero hay cosas que ustedes hicieron que ya no pueden volver atrás.
A mí déjenme por mi camino, de esta manera soy feliz. No veo que diferencia les hace, si ustedes no tienen nada que ver.
Me cansa que opinen, me harta que juzguen, y si ustedes lo van a hacer entonces yo también. Preparen las armas, porque esto se llama guerra.


Mademoiselle Juliettè,
See the sea wants to take me, the knife wants to slit me, do you think you can help me?

So obliging, sweet indulgence

Don't think I want to feel like this
tied to the way we touch, we kiss.
Still can't put my finger on what it is
but you blow my mind, you do.

You have me lingering, back and forth,
not even breathing, lying beside you
with my heart barely beating,
begging for something,
struggling to get there,
trying so hard but I could never resist it.

Walk away now that I got what I wanted from you
because I don't need a kiss of yours to get through the night.
For some reason I have a memory, I don't hold on to the past
but I experience old feelings, recreate them in my mind.


Mademoiselle Juliettè,
Oh well, enough said.

I'll see you next Tuesday

I'll never forget all the stupid things we've done

like the time that we got horny

watching "Into the blue" in my living room.

Remember the waves and the sand in our hands?

Remember the nights on the phone, the nights at the bar?

Remember all the things we did and then talked about?

We've gone from friends to acquaintances

to merely fun and games, in such little time

and some aspects of you just took me by surprise.

Who would've known the kind of secrets you hide

in the much frequented world of your underpants?

No, nobody could imagine the things that I've found out.

I don't need any more attention, I'm happy hanging on

I've got your number in case I can't wait anymore

but calling you for that still feels a little wrong.

Mademoiselle Juliettè,

And if they don't believe me now, will they ever believe me?

Triste

Quiero que me mires, quiero que me veas, quiero ser ante tus ojos, quiero brillar a tus orillas, que me reconozcas.
Quiero que me escribas y que me sueñes, que me suspires, que me digas que sí.
No me gusta pensarte así, no quiero estar pendiente de lo que hacés. Pero no me sale ser otra cosa que el fantasma de tus suelas.
Es una triste, triste existencia para mí.


Mademoiselle Juliettè,
Something to look forward to.

Tell me

But... how can you be happy?


Mademoiselle Juliettè,
Complete misery.

Disturbed and interrupted

I know I'm not right and I even know things are OK.
But in my mind, deep down in my heart, I can feel something's not quite fine.
I can see it, I can almost touch it, but you would never believe it.
I can't convince you, you see, I can't fight against your uncommon nonsense.
No I can't, no I can't.
And so I come and go, cling onto stupid trains of thought,
then I jump off, and get on them again.
I see no limit to this delirium, I see no way to stop.


Mademoiselle Juliettè,
I had a really bad dream, it lasted 20 years, 7 months and 27 days, and I'm all alone and I never had no one, ever.

Look back in anger

Don't "kleenex" me you loser.

You've never been enough for me, not ever. And I'm here solely to have fun. Even though it isn't working very well.


Mademoiselle Juliettè,
My mates all reckon you are suitable.

Tiempo

Mi tiempo con vos fue mi tiempo más triste
pero fue lo mejor de tu vida,
y es que las cosas entre nosotros siempre fueron así
lo que te hacía felíz, a mí me deprimía.

Te fuiste y dejaste un desastre acá
te fuiste y pensaste que te iba a esperar,
pero sin vos yo vi la luz
con vos se fueron mis problemas, allá lejos, hacia el sur.

Después de tanto tiempo
hoy nos volvemos a encontrar,
llenos de recuerdos, de rencores, de sabores,
de cosas que, si bien odio, nunca voy a poder olvidar.


Mademoiselle Juliettè,
Let's make the same mistakes in a brand new place tonight, because it's Saturday night.

Inferior, you're inferior

Thought you wouldn't know, well this is me telling you.
There are lessons in life you cannot miss or live without
and baby it seems that you've forgotten about that part.
You lack the balance, lack the simplicity, lack the charm
that is almost compulsory for such an inferior mind.
There isn't even a trace of bravery inside your body,
nothing that can show me you're worth the pain or worth the time.
And I don't want to waste my life among unintelligent,
completely empty pieces of flesh, you see,
I aspire to something bigger than just entertainment.
So go on now, live by your rules and try not to fall for a shiny light,
for a fluorescent pseudo star.
Just be aware of the fact that you could have had the best,
and you blew it all away.


Mademoiselle Juliettè,
Under another unforgiving street light.

Feedback

I'm using this space today to encourage everyone to leave a comment on the entries that you like. Doesn't matter what you write, just "I like this" or "that sucked", anything will do.
It would be nice to know who reads the blog, if somebody does read it.


Mademoiselle Juliettè,
Just off the key of reason. 

Remember

Si por mis palabras van a recordarme, que bueno que digo todo lo que pienso, que expreso todo lo que siento, que de alguna manera u otra dejo una marca en la memoria de todos los que me conocieron o me conocerán.
Si por mis actos, en cambio, fuesen a recordarme, remítanse a gestos, a pequeños movimientos, a decisiones poco pensadas, a aquellos pocos momentos de guardia baja.
Si por mi pensamientos quieren mantenerme en vida entonces nunca olviden mis confidencias, mis indiscreciones, mis decadencias, mis instantes de delirio o de conciencia total. Nunca olviden que siempre pude ver, pensar más allá.


Mademoiselle Juliettè,
I'm not OK.

Sociopath

You've always been a sociopath
you've always stabbed everyone in the back
but this time I'm not coming around

I ain't no stupid doll
and mistakes I've made once 
I can't make twice in a row.


Mademoiselle Juliettè,
A man is a two-face. 

Fuiste

Fuiste mi mejor inspiración, la estrella más brillante

le diste a mi mente el sustento que tanto necesitaba,

pero no me puedo obligar a volver a amarte

no tengo la fuerza, me pesa la culpa de mentirte a la cara.

Y lo que más me duele es tu dulce inocencia

tus ojos grandes juzgando mis andanzas, mis indecencias

no soy capaz de engañarte un rato más por el bien de mis versos

hoy te tengo que abandonar, buscar a alguien más, empezar de cero.

Mademoiselle Juliettè,

Here we go again, I kinda...

WA

I happen to think that there's a film director to suit every type of personality out there. Somebody that can understand, capture and depict the nature of humanity just like we feel it.

I found out that mine was Woody Allen at the age of twelve. It started off like everything I end up loving: I hated him. I didn't understand why it moved every bit of me, I didn't like the feeling of being dragged through the longest and deepest trains of thought, I was reluctant to it at first.

Then I grew up and into his films. And that was when my mind opened to a whole new world of greatness at such an amazing level. 

The way he thinks, the way he writes, the way his soul and pure essence come through his movies and into people's minds is unbelievable. 

Mademoiselle Juliettè,

And held a purse of a different kind.

Honky

The woman's her own saxophone, what else can one ask for?


Mademoiselle Juliettè,
With love, in envy.

Shivers down our spines

Oh! Dear friend! Am I going to fast? May I be rushing into silly conclusions assuming that he feels the same way I think I do? 
I am falling in love and I fear this is irrevocable, there's no turning back on the kind of spells that man casted upon me. What should I do? Should I try to hide this and just wait? Wait for what, anyway?
All I have to live for is hope. I only breathe because I'm holding on to the memories of him and I together, his kisses, his touch and the way that he whispered beautiful verses in my ear.
With every day that goes by his image fades more and more and it will soon disappear. 


Mademoiselle Juliettè,
Catch me, catch me, I'm falling... I'm falling in love with you.

Another chance

I stumble and I fall, the same rock from years ago.
It seems I haven't learnt a thing,
it seems I'm still that stupid girl I used to be.

But it's wrong and I have changed
this is a new me, tables have been turned
I got to make the most of this,
my second chance with you.


Mademoiselle Juliettè,
I can't follow that same line of work no, not today.

It don't mean a thing

"When saxes flare up, how can I keep my hair up?

Hit me with a hot note and watch me bounce"

It's Swing and it's a passion, it means living in another color and breathing the air of gayness and joy. I just want to have fun and get a man to sway me around.

This is about living with no worries and dancing our way to the top, I can turn into what I want with my dancing shoes on, just play the right tune and I will razzle-dazzle you.

Grab your partners, I've come to crash this party.

Mademoiselle Juliettè,

I'll always think of you that way.

Hobby

Force me into it and never let me go,
tell me things are not the way I see them
and that I can't prove you wrong.

I'm just looking for a way out,
a hobby, somebody to touch,
and maybe some inspiration to write another song.

You know winter's coming up
and I don't want to be alone,
baby, give me a tad of happiness,
just a reason to keep on.


Mademoiselle Juliettè,
How can I feel that it's over when it never really began.

Tribute to WS

I'm one to wear my heart upon my sleeve
at all times showing around my Achilles' heel.

Lately we've been biting bullets, such a sorry sight
but you know two star-crossed lovers
can't make the beast with two backs.

Ever since I met you I've been living a fool's paradise
now I see life's not beer and skittles
and soon truth will out
soon you will laugh yourself into stitches
at the expense of a broken heart.

Such stony-hearted lover my eyes have never seen
you had me crying in corners, not being able to sleep a wink,
before you I used to bear a charmed life and now
all I have are memories and moments I wish I could take back.

But I do not mean to sound worrisome
and I will have my revenge before you could say Jack Robinson.


Mademoiselle Juliettè,
Would WS be proud of my use of his metaphors?

Lucy in Wonderland

I used to know this girl called Lucy.
She liked to think that the song "Lucy in the sky with diamonds" had been written for her, that is was her song. But she never actually met any of the members of The Beatles.
Little did she know, the song was about LSD. To quote my good friend Morrisey, I'm guessing she never even knew what drugs were.
Most people go through life ignoring most of the things that are going on around them. And I don't mean ignoring as neglecting, they just don't understand anything. They refuse to learn so they create a parallel world with its own meanings and symbols, and just live according to that, putting aside the real value of their surroundings.
That's how we get to the situation of people like Lucy. I don't want to be like her. My guess is none of us do. But it's hard, isn't it? To find the time and the energy to get more involved in whatever it is that's happening next to us.
Open up the windows and turn off the TV. Talk to a neighbor, water some plants, go to the supermarket, buy a newspaper.
It's more than OK to create inside your own mind, and it's understandable if you do so to escape from your every day reality, but sometimes escaping means something more, means unhappiness, means pain, restricted thoughts, emotions we're not letting out.
Want to know what would happen if you tell Lucy the song wasn't about her? She would deny it, and then cry. And hate you, forever. Because she doesn't want to see the difference between her dreams and reality.
Do YOU?


Mademoiselle Juliettè,
Cuando nada te consuele yo voy a tener un verso listo para vos.

Austin

I'm not ready for sincerity, I'd tell any lie

to keep you listen-listen-listen-listening.

I gave you pretentious, I gave you indifference

but you only want undressed and defenseless.

With all your cheap words about hearts and accidents

who are YOU kidding?

Mademoiselle Juliettè,
I couldn't bring myself to call, except to call it quits.

Honestly

I just don't understand why everything has to fade away so fast. Last night it was all laughs and kisses in your arms making wishes upon stars, breaking promises and trying to recreate the past. And here I lie now, helplessly attempting to figure out what is it exactly that makes this so hard.

It isn't love and it isn't hatred, it ain't but the feeling of being on top of the world. I'm ready to burst at the seams, this is simply enough, one moment together and no other experience can keep up with what you've done.

There is no explanation, it is useless to look for a reason why, I'm just in love with the way it all started years ago, and how everything's become so lovely and so hard to give up on.


Mademoiselle Juliettè,
Never means forever.

All-round

Does it work, is it happening?
And if it isn't what can I do to change it?
I don't know if I want this,
I can't even remember your name now,
but this is a sport I'm playing
and I won't give up on the game,
please let me go all the way.


Mademoiselle Juliettè,
I don't even care.

Use me

"Oh! The mess we've made is ridiculous.

The whole wide world's a stage of complete chaos.

And it gets so funny that we get confused

We don't know where yo go 'cause we've all been used."

Mademoiselle Juliettè,

I like to play.

Fight

Ann's voice as a constant background sound and a few trumpets and saxes. Saturday night, darkness rules the sky and my bedroom's as empty as my life.
I stare at the guitar and something pops up in my mind: I remember those days when I didn't have time to think about thinking, to relive the past and prevent the future from going all wrong straight in my face.
I know I'm too ambitious, I can see that know. I know I'm not even half as perfect as I thought I was, and even though it hurts to say it out loud, I'm not the person I wish I was.
But then again, who is? But then again, why do I care about them?
A vicious circle, a virtuous hell, I look at myself in the mirror and I cry. What's terrible isn't the situation, it's the alarmingly high probability of it lasting too long for me to stand. And I just can't fight that, I can't fight against my mind.


Mademoiselle Juliettè
Who am I to say the situation isn't great, when it's my job to make the most of it. Of course I didn't know that it would happen to me. Not that easy...

OK

Tanto miedo, tanta anticipación y no sos más que un cachorro abandonado.
No sé para qué me complico, si siempre termina siendo más fácil de lo que me había imaginado.


Mademoiselle Juliettè,
That adds absolutely nothing but I needed to get it off my chest.

De culpas

Vos sos el que se tendría que disculpar pero si me siento a esperar por eso podría pasarme toda la vida sin volver a estar de pie.
Nadie me dijo que confie, nadie me aconsejó dejarme llevar. Fue una desición que tomé yo sola y no me arrepiento, porque me hace quien soy hoy.
Alguien a quien no podés decirle qué hacer, qué sentir ni cuándo hacerlo. Alguien que desarrolló cierta inmunidad a tus brutos encantos, alguien que ya no te siente pero te piensa y mira con melancolía las horas pasadas.
Horas en las que pensaba en vos, sin saber o sin querer ver las grandes posibilidades de choque de las ilusiones con que cargábamos los dos.
No soy lo que buscás, no sé bien qué buscás- No sos lo que necesito sé muy bien que estaba buscando en el lugar equivocado.


Mademoiselle Juliettè,
Maybe nobody loved you when you were young.

Escondida

Cuando no me puedo esconder -cibernéticamente- en Facebook o Twitter vengo acá. Así que no me invadan este espacio por favor.
Es complicado, estoy enferma, estoy en cama y mucho más que hasta acá no puedo correr.
Es una noche horrible. Bipolar, fluctuante. Una noche que no sabe si ser ocaso o amanecer. Que arrastra a mis orillas enojos, vergüenzas, miedos... pero principalmente enormes y punzantes ganas de esconderme bajo muchas, muchas frazadas.


Mademoiselle Juliettè,
This is the most real, honest, artistic thing I've written in a while. At least one of us is having a good night.

You love, you lose.

You said you wouldn't, or at least that's what I wanted to listen.
I've got nobody else to lay the blame on but myself,
because I should have known better and in the end I just didn't.

Why is it so hard for you to feel something? What is it that's left you so numb?
Do you really have no feelings or is it just a facade you're trying to put up?
Whatever the matter I cannot keep on.
Something has to change for me to start again and I know it won't be you.


Mademoiselle Juliettè,
Young pranks piss me off.

Stay helpless

I'm in love with the way you behave,
the things you say, how you act.
I shouldn't be thinking about you,
that's a forbidden, unthinkable sin,
one that'd make me sigh and smile even in my dreams.

But I can't and I won't stop this,
it's you who I want so why hide it?
You know who I am, you know where to find me
and I'll wait forever,
unless somebody else finds me.

Mademoiselle Juliettè,
It's like everybody is jumping off the bridge and you don't wanna be the one standing on dry land.

Condenada a quererte pero no para siempre

Balbuceo algunos versos que pretenden ser música
Me siento a escribir y me siento vacía
No puedo tomar de este amor lo que necesito para descargar mi pasión
Porque al fin y al cabo, ¿qué sabés de eso vos?, ¿qué sé yo de vos?
Y me vuelvo a replantear en donde estoy, estamos en ese estado de transición
Del que se sale casi siempre, se sale si se tiene suerte.
No quiero quedarme pegada a lo que tenemos hoy,
Hay tantas cosas que me gustaría hacer con vos
Pero esto recién empieza, y ya esta por terminar,
creo que todo lo que planeé para nosotros
Me lo voy a tener que guardar...

Mademoiselle Juliettè,
I should bite my tongue.

I can can-can

Collecting inspiration from one night stands
putting to paper the bruises and scratches I've made with my hands,
I dance along the corridors, in every corner of your mind,
even when I'm gone I've got everybody thinking about my love.

I made up my mind and I don't need you or your touch,
I can smell my own perfume, I can even kiss my own lips,
I can fit into my imagination whatever lies you wanna spit,
and it all comes home to lie in bed with me.


Mademoiselle Juliettè,
The salad days are over and meat is at my door.

Cosmos

Te propongo que te olvides de todo lo que pensas, que vengas un rato conmigo y que todo lo que te preocupa lo dejes atrás. Olvidate de ella y yo me olvido de ellos, no pienses en culpas ni en resentimientos, dejame que te muestre mi manera de hacer las cosas, dejame que te enseñe como se divierten en el cosmos.

Mademoiselle Juliettè,
The "I'm too white to sing the blues" blues.

Drawing a blank

Si pudiera escribiría por siempre
mares de tinta corriendo por mis venas
sueños ilustrados y palabras a la luz de las velas.

Mi cielo corrugado, mi ilusión incompleta
miro al papel en blanco y ya estoy en otro planeta
porque escritos los sentimientos no se van con la marea.

Y muchos me dan por perdida pero yo no los escucho
ya no estoy acá, estoy ya perdida
búsquenme entre las páginas del libro que escondo a los pies de mi cama.

Mademoiselle Juliettè,
She says she has no time.

How?

When I’m home alone at night I start to wonder
How would it be with you, what do you like?
And would you walk me home, hand in hand,
or would you put me in a cab
after I’ve filled that void inside your mind?

Expectations never matched reality
but we’re both very far from fine.
Damaged kid, it’s your turn to sleep alone tonight
and how long before you break that lonely string?
I’m smarter than that, it won’t be me.

Hello stranger, gorgeous pad, are we really this desperate?
And even though you’re someone I used to know,
I’m somebody you will never see again.

Mademoiselle Juliettè,

Something has been turned on inside of me.

Cada vez menos

De chica supe que eso no me gustaba
pero lo que encontré del otro lado tampoco me convenció.
Desde entonces nado en un mar de caras
tsunami de nombres que nunca voy a escuchar
náufraga en la tinta que derramaste escribiendo "nunca más".


Mademoiselle Juliettè,
Not all is lost.

Smoke and Mirrors

Yo solía sonreír, solía tener una vida.
Supe reir y llorar, supe reir hasta llorar. Supe mirar al futuro con ojos esperanzados, ojos que hoy siento que fueron arrancados.
Vivo atrapada en un mal sueño, esto no puede ser así. Nada cambió y sin embargo todo es diferente. Son otros los actores, son otros los personajes, pero huelen a lo mismo y tienen el sabor de ayer.
Quiero crecer, no me quiero quedar. Me quiero ir, quiero intentar. Quiero equivocarme y volver a empezar pero quiero vivir no regresar cada vez más atrás.


Mademoiselle Juliettè,
I'll be your #1 with a bullet.

Golden Years

Enjoy your golden years, don't let time pass by,
forget about those tears and jump in, we're gonna paint the town.
I don't get it, why are you so white?
Why are your knees shaking and your lips dry?
Why are you suddenly breathing faster with your eyes wide open?

I just don't understand you, so you must be damaged.



Mademoiselle Juliettè.
I don't want a happy ending, I wan happy all the way.

Back

It is that time of the year again and here I come baby, here I come.
I'm all charged and ready to go, got my weapons got my guns and I'm not afraid to open fire. You should not mess with me now, you shouldn't really trash me, try to stay away from me 'cause I don't mind being unkind, I don't care what you think of me.
I'm all ready to ignore you and minimize your image, no sticks no stones, not even names, no way for you to hurt me I'm so beyond, I fly above, throughout these years I learnt to do the things that surprise you and leave you in awe.
Fill yourself with patience and leave all problems at the door I wanna hear no complaints, no insults no hatred whatsoever.


Mademoiselle Juliettè,
My mistakes will make me strong.

Being from Jersey means...

I'm tired of being the poor cliché misunderstood.


Mademoiselle Juliettè,
These are your good years.

Role Model

A otro ritmo, en mi cabeza las cosas funcionan a otro ritmo.
Te molesta, eso lo sé, porque no podés predecir qué pienso, qué siento
y eso algún dia te va a terminar por enloquecer.

Pero mientras tanto yo aprovecho y me alimento de tus quejas y tus desconciertos
me río de la duda que se refleja en tus grandes ojos negros,
te uso como ejemplo de lo que no quiero ser, te compadezco, te olvido, te agradezco.


Mademoiselle Juliettè,
I don't have to care, and that's the beauty of it all.

Update III

Dear soul,
Sorry to have been absent for so long, I guess I got carried away by the rhythm of the Sun and the color of the stars. I can promise it will not happen again, you know I am no good at keeping promises.
I have missed you, that is for sure, and at some point your behavior could have been understandable given the circumstances but this thing that you are doing is downright scandalous. 
Please forgive me, please stop being so impulsive. I get the message now go do your part, before I start hating you completely and cut your whims with that knife called tragedy.


Mademoiselle Juliettè,
I can see the hunger of compulsion in your face.

Desperately Seeking Something

Buscando una voz, desesperadamente buscando
no sé más que hacer, a quien mirar a quien culpar
porque perdí algo tan preciado, algo que nunca tuve
y ahora siento que no valgo, si no tengo eso que me arrebataron.

Entre un pasillo y otro me explicaron que no estaba bien
que era diferente y nadie debía ser así,
me obligaron a dejarlo y sentir vergüenza de quien era
me despojaron de mi alegría y hoy soy una muñeca sin cabeza.

Quiero que vuelvan de rodillas y me devuelvan mi don, mi amo.


Mademoiselle Juliettè,
We might as well be strangers, for all I know of you now.

Zero

Ni una letra, ni una palabra
pensar en vos me hacer sentir cosas impensadas
me quedo sin habla y en mi mente no se concreta
                                            absolutamente nada.

Me intimida tu mirada, allí, desde un estante,
me intimidan tantos logros y reconocimientos
esa pulcritud ensayada y tus grandes ojos negros.

Es injusto, incorregible, doloroso e intangible
tanto esfuerzo para nada, tanta pasión malgastada
Decime, ¿es en vano que me desangro?

O mejor, no me digas nada.



Mademoiselle Juliettè,
Of all the gin joints in all the world.

Miedo

Me gustaría no saber como se siente tener miedo. Puedo sentir muchas objeciones respecto de ese deseo, el problema es que nadie sabe lo que es sufrir como yo sufro, vivir como yo vivo. Si le puedo decir vivir, meramente estoy sobreviviendo, duele admitirlo pero mas duele seguir respirando sin sacarme esto de adentro.
El miedo y la certeza. ¿Es miedo o es certeza? Se vuelve un poco confuso cuando no alcanza el espacio en mi cabeza. Todo da vueltas sin embargo está más que claro: lo que me pasa no es normal, lo que pasa es que algo me está pasando.
Y es que dicen que es normal, mas yo ya no les creo, ¿cómo se puede esperar de mi que me acostumbre al infierno? Es subestimar mis ganas de ser feliz y minimizar mis alegrías hasta que dejen de existir.
No se puede, no es así, tiene que haber algo más allí afuera para mí.


Mademoiselle Juliettè,
I'm trying.

Bucket List

HIGH time I made a bucket list for this year.

*I want a new attitude and with that comes a new routine. Or maybe, no routine. What I want is to let myself loose and just go along with life, without worrying about whether things might or might not work.
*From last year comes this one but I REALLY want a boyfriend. Not just a guy to do once a week, a real, straight, eating walking boyfriend. Yeah.
*It'd be nice to finish something once in a while. Poem's are easy, short and they seem to come out of me kinda effortlessly. I don't want that, I want something longer, something amazing, I want to create great things.
*Having already acknowledge I have problems I want to overcome them. I don't really care about anything else I just wanna feel OK.
*I'm gonna learn how to cook. I know, I know, me, knives and boiling stuff just not the best idea but I really think something good could come out of it. So, Chef Mademoiselle Juliettè. Or something.
*No, I did not pass the CAE so, this year, I'm gonna learn how to cope with my very own educational disappointments or failures.
*I'm gonna lose 7 pounds. Haven't done ANY research whatsoever so I don't know for sure how much that is but sounds like a nice in between 5 (too little) and 10 (too much). I'm lovely aren't I?
*I'm gonna read, at least, AT LEAST 25 books. Not just short stories but actual, real, big books. I obviously have no idea of how much I'm gonna have to read when I start college but we'll see. Sounds like a rational amount of book I guess...
*I should at least TRY to come to terms with the idea that death is a part of life, and that I shouldn't be so obsessed over it. Stop death.


I know it might seem like I'm facing this year with a bit of a rude attitude but it's not that, it's just that I'm sick and tired of "trying" I just wanna accomplish.


Mademoiselle Juliettè,
Gravity.

Back to Black

Otra lágrima derramada sobre mi alfombra y me pregunto si faltará mucho más.
Otra noche ámbar en confusión y adormecimiento, no siento nada, no veo nada, no entiendo.
Comienza con un miedo muy pequeño y evoluciona, se convierte en un pánico que envuelve.
Miro hacia arriba y no hay nada, no hay nada que me diga que todavía sigo viva.

Toda razón, cualquiera que sea, viene bien porque esto es ilógico e irracional.
Me canso de ignorar, de olvidar, de perdonar, de actuar todos los días como si nada estuviese mal.
Es inhumano pretender que alguien conviva con este tipo de miedos, de sensaciones.
Duele sacar a relucir tanto como ocultar, duele cada marca que realiza este puñal.


Mademoiselle Juliettè,
Come on baby, won't you bleed like me.

E.N.D.

Things come to an end and I can smile with no regrets. Knowing I've done my best I just walk around spreading happiness, trying to figure out what could go wrong.

There's something coming we all know that, good or bad, for better or worse I'll always survive because it lives in me, the spirit of something much bigger and nicer, the essence of desire, of dreams coming true and enemies falling from grace one after the other.

Mademoiselle Juliettè,

These are the words that I'm never gonna say again.

Copycat

Copias.

Como si fuese una fotocopiadora lo único que veo es lo que ya fue hecho. Con una ceguera selectiva dejé de poder inventar dejé de intentar y empecé a copiar. Todo lo que leo y todo lo que escucho, ya no soy yo son ellos en mí, todos juntos.

Y supongo que al principio siempre es así, que se cargan al hombro ciertos difuntos. Estaba pensando no tengo donde dejarlos caer. No quiero dejarlos tampoco quiero que me acompañen y susurren versos a mi oído. Como si fuesen mis musas mis bancos junto al río, quiero que me cuenten lo que vivieron y que me ayuden a revivirlo.

Pero revivir sin haber vivido suena a poco, a repetido de una historia que no fue, de un déjà vu que nadie tuvo. Hija de una hoja sin sombra, sin precedentes me siento a juntar palabras destinadas a morir vírgenes, rimas y coplas sin sentido en un universo que no quiere ser comprendido.

Temo que esto dure para siempre y morir atrapada en las líneas ajenas que de mí no tienen nada. Temo quererlo demasiado como para que suceda y terminar de la peor manera. 

Mademoiselle Juliettè,

Once we hit the top there's no stopping us.

Acknowledging

There’s always a part of the problem that’s completely understandable, something you can appreciate and even, at times, relate to. It sounds easier and simpler to pretend that one is the sole face to the issue but it hardly ever is.

There’s something that is deeper, attached to the core of my mind in a stronger way. You can try to neglect that, you can even act like it’s not there but it’ll come back and slap you in the face.

But you won’t see it, no, it’s something that needs to be felt. And you possess no ability to feel it, there is just no way for you to comprehend it. Now, I don’t blame you for being incapable, I blame you for trying to convince me that it is not there, I blame you for denying its existence while I’m bleeding inside, I blame you for trying to make me forget all about it when actually I should be facing it and dealing with it.

I’m not as simple as you are, not as basic. There’s something wrong that you can’t fix but that doesn’t mean that the problem is with you. I cannot take care of you when I should be taking care of me, you take it all too personally and it’s nothing like it.

Try and stay away while I figure myself out. Let me cry if I want to, let me shout. Don’t smother me, don’t interrogate, don’t question motives or reasons. Running away from the problems is your MO yet not mine. It’s not fair, I’m only trying to be OK. I don’t see how am I ever going to with you around.

Mademoiselle Juliettè,

Dangerous, I'm sure.

Prólogo

Siempre nos dicen que el ser humano es el único animal capaz de tropezar dos veces con la misma piedra. Como si nuestros cerebros funcionaran de la misma manera que los de los animales, como si, de a poco, silenciosa pero firmemente nos fuesen anulando los impulsos, los instintos, hasta llegar a un punto en que nada nos hace reaccionar.

Así es como caemos una tercera vez. Parece mentira mirándolo de afuera y sin saber específicamente de que se  habla ¿no? Y no sólo la tercera, sino que de poder volver a tropezar estoy segura de que muchos lo harían. Hoy, se puede decir que de alguna manera se quedaron sin piedras lo suficientemente grandes como para hacer que caiga todo un pueblo. Sin embargo, seguimos por ese sinuoso y rocoso camino, sin entender muy bien por qué.

Siento que hoy es mi deber limpiar la ruta, para que podamos recorrerla entre todos sin tener miedo de que alguien pueda quedar en el camino.

Mademoiselle Juliettè,

Go and make a mountain out of air.

Blank

Bloqueo total. ¿Qué quieren que les diga? Necesito inspiración.


Mademoiselle Juliettè,

Ello

Merece mi paciencia el nombre de Penélope
te veo ir y venir, te escucho hablar, te observo
tengo que soportar el dolor y seguir
sonreír como si fuera felíz
te tengo que mentir, decirte que no te quiero.

Y la verdad es tan cruel, vos sabés,
no todos llegamos al cielo.
Paso mis días pensándote, rogando que cambies
que abras los ojos y entiendas todo esto.
Hasta entonces, amor mío, te pido que te mantengas lejos.

Lejos, para pretender olvidarme de vos
fuera de mi vista para no decirte que es tuyo mi corazón
en algún lugar donde no me llegue el sonido de tu voz,
donde no corra peligro de buscarte
y encontrar tus labios con mi pasión.

Tantas restricciones, mi vida, tanto temor
tengo miedo de mi misma, y miedo de quedarme sin vos.
Es que no sé como no lo ves, juntos somos perfectos los dos
pero hay un muro en el medio, algo que no nos permite avanzar.
Más que feliz estaría si pudiera demoler esa realidad.


Mademoiselle Juliettè,
Shine on, with your eyes just as bright as the Sun.

A new POV

Yesterday it was "you're not human, you're perfect",
today it actually is "far from perfect, you're so human"
spent all this time building you up,
god! I was willing to leave my dreams behind
and follow you down that path
I was going to hurt people and do things I shouldn't do
I would have done anything, yesterday, to have you.

But things can change and they have this time
something came to me, something you're trying to hide
just when I thought this was it, you were the one
I find out that you're not really who you say you are.

I bought this whole image of perfect and nice
so cool, so calm, always with a smile
in the end you're a backstabber, like everybody else
or maybe even worse, because you can't admit you've made mistakes.


Mademoiselle Juliettè,
Encontré sus diarios ayer, encontré sus ideas.

Desperate

Con estas lágrimas y una triste sensación de vacío

Me siento y espero a que un día

Vengas y me digas con ojos desesperados

Llenos de vida, que me amás.

Pero hasta ese momento, amor mío

Voy a abusar despiadadamente de tu bondad

Te voy a robar cada instante de belleza

Cada latido cada paso cada respiración

Hasta que todo lo que sos, todo lo que tenés

Lleve mi sello rojo, ese que conoces tan bien.

Mademoiselle Juliettè,

Stranded. 

Out of Goodbyes

I've seen love, from both sides now.

Mademoiselle Juliettè,

Fuera de la ley

She went away, she escaped
there's a path that changes you
she took that way
because she wanted to grow up
without the pain of saying her goodbyes
she lost her innocence out of spite
she gave away things she'll never get back.

Now she regrets having made those mistakes
she knows deep down she's a criminal now
no coming back, yes, no re-dos
there's no choice left but to accept
that this is her faith, her destiny
and that as much as she can run away
she has changed forever
in her mind it'll never feel the same.


Mademoiselle Juliettè,
I wonder where you are and I want you to be with me. I wonder what you feel, but baby, I want you to fall for me.

Sl-o/u-t

Toda mi vida tuve que luchar.

Nunca fui suficientemente flaca, nunca fui linda, nunca fui alta, nunca fui tan tonta ni tan inteligente, nunca fui lo que los demás esperaban, nunca me conformé, nunca me dejé llevar.

De una manera o de otra, siempre hubo algo mal. Bueno, ¿saben qué? Los enfermos son ustedes, no yo.

Si me va mal, se ríen de mí, si me va bien les molesta. Ya van a ver quien se ríe cuando yo sea más que ustedes y los mire del otro lado de la vidriera. 

Van a desear habere pedido perdón, se van a arrepentir de todo lo dijeron y van a llorar hasta enceguecerse pero no, no va a funcionar.

O no, lo más probable es que no suceda pero a mí lo único que me queda es pronosticarles tempestades para poder seguir viviendo, porque tanta negligencia tanta injusticia es imposible de tolerar para una sola persona. Entonces fantaseo con su fracaso, para pasar el mal trago. Para contenerme y no llenarlos de plomo.

Pero está todo bien, estoy mejorando. Es decir, podría ser peor, podría simplemente matarlos. No?

Mademoiselle Juliettè,

Even in sunny days, I need to look at negative side of things and complain, because that's my MO.

Thoughtless

Ando con un instinto asesino bastante importante.
Estoy con ganas de que te pise un camión, de que te secuestren y te torturen. Mucho.
Cuando pasás al lado mío me dan ganas de gritarte lo mucho que te odio, decirte que no vales nada, contarte que feo te queda lo que tenés puesto.
Me tengo que medir cada día de mi vida, sueño con verte llorar, con verte sufrir, con arrancarte las uñas, con sacarte todo lo que te gusta, todo lo que te hace bien. Quiero que la pases mal como yo la pasé, quiero que tengas lo que te merecés, que obre el karma en esta historia y así poder dormir en paz, sabiendo que no sos felíz, sabiendo que es mi culpa que no quieras vivir más.
Tené cuidado porque últimamente fui muy buena y comprensiva pero si me entero de algo todo puede cambiar muy rápido, y en un abrir y cerrar de ojos vas a desear nunca haber nacido.
Llevo en mi imaginación un espacio dedicado puramente a vos, donde pienso todo lo que sufrís, lo mal que debés estar, es como un santuario dentro mío donde rezo por tu malestar, por tu desgracia, por tu caída. Allí alabo a mi suerte que me permite ser mejor que vos y sentarme a mirar como todo se te derrumba, mi inteligencia que me hace comprender que no necesito tu pena, sin vos está todo mejor, mi vida se encuentra serena.
Porque hay cosas que no se le desean ni al enemigo mas terrible pero vos... vos sos menos que un enemigo. Vos sos menos que un ser humano.


Mademoiselle Juliettè,
I'm back and I'm still poisonous. 

Second chance

Me incitás explícitamente a transgredir todas las reglas, todas mis reglas, simplemente para complacer el deseo tuyo, ese fuego que arde y que sólo pensás en alimentar.
Pero no sos egoísta, sos ingenuo, y eso es lo fascinante de todo lo que está por pasar. Tuve que aprender a entenderte para hacerme una idea de dónde estaba parada y cómo debía actuar. Ante tus ojos todos somos perfectos, y no es que no sepas distinguir el bien del mal sino que tu concepto de ambos es muy flexible, muy volátil, totalmente inmaterial.
De encontrarme en esta situación con alguien más, quienquiera que sea, todo sería muy diferente. Pero con vos las cosas tienen otro color, y cuando logro colgar el prejuicio y dejarme llevar abro los ojos y me doy cuenta de que me llevaste hasta el medio del mar.
No tengo palabras que no conozcas esto es todo muy irreal, sos el colmo de mi ignorancia, el miedo a ir más allá. Sos mi risa y, sin quererlo, sos de mis ojos esa tempestad. Sos mi héroe y sos aquello de mí que nunca voy a conseguir domar.


Mademoiselle Juliettè,
This could be the chance we've been waiting for.

Strange

Tengo tanto para perder, tanto por aprender.
No quiero esperar, quiero saber, quiero encontrar.
Dudo ser paciente para afrontar lo que viene, 
siento que me esperan tantas cosas que ya no pueden esperar.
Libros, canciones, fotos, lugares, voces,
No quiero olvidar nada ni dejar nada de lado,
espero que me alcance el tiempo, espero
no tener que irme sin haber terminado.




Mademoiselle Juliettè,
Tonight I hate this fucking town.

The Fear

Un intento histérico de abandonar su realidad la hizo cuestionarse los medios, y los hábitos que había adquirido en el camino. No es sólo un pensamiento el que se borra, no es tan solo una imagen percibida desde el otro lado de una ventana. Es una manera de ver la vida, se perdieron aquellas cosas que ella tomaba como reliquias. "Qué lindo eso, como me gustaría tenerlo" se encuentra diciendo al ver lo que perdió. Ya no recuerda que algún día lo tuvo, muy atrás quedaron los días en los que tarareaba por lo bajo aquella canción antigua y aplastaba los adoquines con sus zapatos marrones.
Hoy quizás atrape de algún cigarrillo el humo, y aprecie como los árboles se van cerrando a su rumbo. Quizás esas imágenes, que a su orden son tan lejanas, le lleguen desde su infancia al encontrarse con esa frase, con ese olor, con esa vibra. Es muy difícil predecir cuánto extraña y cuánto olvida, si es mayor la nostalgia o el ardor de la nueva vida. Es injusto comparar, no hay punto que una lo que es con donde quiere estar.
Pero sólo queda esperar que algún aire de río la traiga de vuelta, porque como la primavera, ella siempre regresa.




Mademoiselle Juliette,
We had our doubts but now it's fine, and I love you, I swear that's true. I cannot live without you.

Behind

It's been hard
Oh! So hard, oh! So cruel
To let fate decide,
Instead of trying to take this matter on my own hands
Because lady luck will make a vow against me
As she always does
And I will be stuck with misery
With nothing more than a few moments and a broken heart.
That is, anyway, what always happens to me.


Mademoiselle Juliettè,
Podés preguntar, mas la respuesta quizás no sea lo que prefieras escuchar.

Why, oh why?

Ya no sé si está bien o si está mal, yo pienso en vos como si no existiera nadie más. Es imposible siquiera intentar engañarme, decirme que ya no te quiero más, si después cierro los ojos y nos volvemos a encontrar. 

Me da miedo lo que mi cabeza me pueda llegar a mostrar, no estoy segura de querer verte conmigo si se que en realidad nunca va a pasar.

Y te echo a vos la culpa, esta vez no fui yo, vos sos el que aviva el fuego, el que alimenta esta ilusión. Dónde quedó mi coraje, dónde mi espíriru luchador. Voy a hacer todo lo posible, pero algo de esto tiene que venir de vos.

Mademoiselle Juliettè,

It's an impact, it's an extraordinary force, it's my heart at your fingertips and you, that sigh and no recognition for my feelings towards you.

Fame

There's a certain kind of admiration that comes a little too close to envy. It's hard for the young people, specially the ones in my position, not to look up to someone and immediately think "what would it be like to be you for a day? For a lifetime?" We put our feet into different kinds of shoes every day, just wild guessing, imagining which pair would be nicer, which one would be more comfortable, which one our parents would like us to wear. But the problem is that it doesn't stop there, in the end we are all human, flesh and blood to the bone, and if I like your shoes I'm gonna try to get them the easiest way: stealing them from you. Not because I'm mean, or lazy, or not brave enough in order to get my very own shoes, it's just an instinct.
Robbery is not the most acclaimed activity in our society so stealing your shoes won't be easy, really. That's when envy, hate, wrath and many other ugly things come along. And then it's not just human nature anymore. It's a game of beasts, it's a massacre. And not all of us are ready for something like that.
Are you? Because my shoes are starting to feel a little uncomfortable, it might be that my feet are growing.


Mademoiselle Juliettè,
In the worst possible position.

De certezas y el qué dirán

Hay un tipo de incertidumbre increíblemente fuerte y perversa, que nos mueve hasta lo más profundo a sabiendas de que la respuesta jamás será encontrada. Y ahí radica el problema principalmente.
Yo no sé, yo quiero saber, pero yo nunca voy a saber. Es una realidad dura, fuerte, pero imponderable. No voy a saber porque saber involucra que vos sepas que yo quiero saber, y ese es un lujo que no me puedo dar.
Preguntar significa exponerse cuando sabemos que la respuesta nos va a afectar de alguna manera. Preguntar significa ser sincero, como un vidrio transparente, como el celofán, significa mostrar esa verdad que sólo la inocencia puede generar.
No saber es la agonía, el deconocimiento produce dolor, estancamiento, agotamiento mental porque a falta de una respuesta de verdad tejemos otras historias y nos imaginamos cosas que nunca podrían pasar.
Tener una respuesta, por su parte, nos trae desilusión. Al tiempo de convivir con esa duda, con esa interrogación, se da una habituación perfecta que complementa la falta de respuesta, y la resolución del problema trae consigo un vacío que muchas veces se llena con más penas. Porque siempre hay resultados buenos y resultados malos. ¿Qué pena puede haber, si el resultado nos es favorable? Pues ya encontraremos alguna, al fin y al cabo ése es el oficio por excelencia del ser humano. Todo resultado modifica la realidad y con eso llegan nuevos problemas, nuevas dudas, nuevas preguntas.
Debatirse entre saber o no saber duele, como también duele el momento de la resolución y duele el después. La experiencia en este tipo de complejo trae, de alguna manera, ciertas cualidades, entre ellas la de encontrarle la alegría a este proceso, la capacidad de verle las notas agradables a una de las características más fértiles y humillantes de los seres concientes: la duda.


Mademoiselle Juliettè,
Yo no sé si preguntarte, si dejar las cosas como están, si ser cobarde o largar todo y después ponerme a llorar. Lo que vos prefieras, si total está todo mal.

A new leaf

Las cosas hoy no son como eran ayer. El cielo parece más claro, más azul, menos gris. La brisa que antes cortaba mi cara hoy me despeina, y yo sigo caminando como si nada. Llevo a todos lados una sonrisa totalmente desubicada, "¿de dónde saliste?" pienso, pero sigo, no quiero pensar, estoy cansada.
Cansada del paso del tiempo, de haberte buscado, cansada de vivir perdiendo el tiempo. Dentro mío hay algo más, arde una urgencia, la necesidad de correr hasta vos y decirte toda la verdad. Y el sol me entibia la frente y mis manos ya no buscan amparo, buscan la compañía de tus manos.
Yo no sé, ya no sé, si todo sigue así, cuánto más voy a soportar este aire, esta calidez, este dolor tan agridulce de no poder amar, de no poder despegar los labios y gritar, como nunca grité, que todo lo que necesitaba ya lo encontré.
Paren rotativas, les pide mi sonrisa, dejen todo como está. Hay algunos detalles que vamos a tener que arreglar. Pero son cosas que pasan, siempre hay daño colateral, las cosas nunca salen del todo como queremos, y vaya si sabré de eso. Hoy empiezo desde acá, dame un tiempo y quizás las tormentas tropicales traigan más que olor a tierra y humedad. Dame espacio, todo esto tiene que madurar, no quiero equivocarme, esta vez quiero que sea de verdad.

Mademoiselle Juliettè,
No se con qué palabras, con qué ojos, con qué voz contarte todo lo que pasa. Espero me sepas comprender, espero que nunca te decepcione nada de lo que haga.

Tan bien que está mal

¿Qué cara tengo que poner?
Te di en una porción de celulosa todo lo que soy, todo lo que sé, todo lo que tengo y lo que quiero ser.
Y vos hacés eso, como diciéndome que está bien, pero que no sirve.
Y yo te pregunto, quién sos vos para decirme si sirvo o si no sirvo. Y la respuesta es evidente, y no me puedo quejar, no puedo decir que no me complace lo que decidís. No puedo decir nada, lo que yo pienso no sirve y te molesta tenerme adelante tuyo, te molesta tener que verme como soy.
Así te va a ir, ya tengo planes para vos.


Mademoiselle Juliettè,
No pregunten, salió todo muy mal.

Character

Al contrario de lo que todos piensan, esto es como la prostitución, donde cada uno elige un nombre y arma su personaje en sus comienzos. No es como ser actor, uno no cambia de nombre como de temporada ni deja de ser uno mismo cuando trabaja.

Esto es volcar todo lo que uno es, todo lo que uno tiene, en el blanco. Y con eso generar caos, generar una gran bola de nieve que, si se hacen bien las cosas, se convertirá en una avalancha y cubrirá a mucha gente.
De todas maneras uno cree que elige ser cierto personaje en todo esto, pero no. Es más una situación en la que el personaje, recurrentemente lo escribe a uno. Muchas veces tomamos la forma de lo que siempre quisimos ser, para terminar de cumplir algún sueño frustrado, o de lo que nos aterra totalmente, para poder sentir que lo dominamos, que no tenemos nada que temer más que nosotros mismos.
Otras veces simplemente vamos por lo extremo, lo carnal, lo bizarro, lo sangriento. Ahí es donde entro yo. Porque la vida no es nada sin un poco de dolor, de drama. Porque si no sufrimos, no distinguimos la felicidad del resto de las cosas. Mi persona, mi personaje, muere para que yo pueda vivir.
Conozco distintos escritores con diferentes voces. Ellos creen que las cambian cada vez que se sientan a escribir pero están ahí, yo veo a través de las palabras y encuentro su esencia. Está el calmo y vergonzoso, que escribe maniáticos depresivos, paranoicos y esquizofrénicos. Está el que delira con acostarse con todas y, con suerte, se acuesta con una. Esta el joven que escribe sobre la vejez porque le teme.
Hay una piel para cada uno de nosotros, un muerto para cada clóset, un papel para cada idea, en este mundo hay aire para cada una de nuestras palabras, las que fueron y las que están por venir.
¿Cuál es la tuya?


Mademoiselle Juliettè,
Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off, but it's better if you do.

Un exceso de ansiedad

Yo tengo una cualidad muy interesante. Me anticipo a lo que me puedan llegar a decir que me vaya a molestar, y ensayo diferentes respuestas o reacciones dependiendo de la devolución.
Estos días estoy esperando una corrección y, si bien no puedo explicarles de qué ni por qué (porque lo que escribo acá es público y a continuación voy a decir cosas no tan lindas, y quizás sin sentido porque todavía no me dieron la corrección), les puedo decir que estoy casi segura de que me va a escandalizar bastante.
Entonces estuve exprimiéndole el cerebro pensando qué puedo decir si esto sale mal. El problema principal es que es una unión de dos disciplinas, y, sr. profesor, una puede no agradarle pero de la otra usted no-tiene-idea.
¿Y yo sí? Sí, yo sí. Otro tipo de idea, otro tipo de experiencia quizás pero de mi experiencia hay evidencia y también hay algunas cosas que NO creo usted pueda comprender. Porque vio que en el mundo pasan cosas y uno a veces no se entera, ¿no?, bueno, de esto usted no se entero así que el favor que le pido es que no moleste y, más importante, que no se meta.
También sé que a usted le va a gustar lo que haga otra persona (you know who), bueno déjeme decirle que el trabajo de dicho ser humano es más que patético, es deplorable, y sí, yo soy cien veces mejor (no sólo en eso pero en todo lo demás).
Por lo que llego fácilmente a la conclusión de que cualquier pensamiento o apreciación personal que usted pueda llegar a hacer sobre mi trabajo me importa muy poco porque YO sé que lo que hice estuvo perfecto.
Y más le vale que no tenga nada malo para decirme sobre mi, mi... mi--. Usted sabe de que le hablo.
Eso es, más o menos, lo que tuve en la cabeza toda la semana.
Cuando sepa les avisaré, porque de salir bien puede tener consecuencias muy buenas todo esto para mí, y de salir mal, ya se enterarán por el tono de mis escritos.
(Y una crítica mala sólo va a tener un efecto en mí: el deseo de la superación personal. No se meta conmigo sr. profesor usted cree que sabe quien soy pero no me conoce).


Mademoiselle Juliettè,
Relief at last.

Too many brides.

"From off a hill whose concave womb re-worded

A plaintful story from a sistering vale,

My spirits to attend this double voice accorded,

And down I laid to list the sad-tuned tale;

Ere long espied a fickle maid full pale,

Tearing of papers, breaking rings a-twain,

Storming her world with sorrow's wind and rain. (...)"

William Shakespeare.

Take it all because I just don't care anymore. Take everything I am, everything I aim to be. Take my blood and flesh, take my bones and my hair, take my eyes, take ideas and plans, it all belongs to you, I'm nothing but a soul and this soul belongs to you.

Mademoiselle Juliettè,

All my dreams you can make real. All my fears you can make happen.

The Birthday Party

A few days ago I went to a birthday party. But it wasn’t just any party, it was my cousin’s first birthday party. At first I didn’t know whether I should or I shouldn’t go, sometimes a big family gathered in a small place with kids shouting, crying and running around is not the best plan for a Saturday night.

The moment I got there I knew it was the place I had to be in, the whole situation was completely coo-coo and the only thing I could think of was “is it just me or you’re all insane?”.

The first thing I saw when I walked in was a small crowd shouting and waving their hands to the baby, who was being photographed with his parents. They were unsuccessfully trying to make him look at the camera, and didn’t notice that he was terrified by the flashes (and their screaming, of course). When the waving ceased I saw him: A PHOTOGRAPHER! Who hires a photographer for a baby’s birthday party? Babies hate being photographed! I tried to come closer to him to say something like “hi baby, happy birthday, watch out! Ah, this paparazzis…” but an old unknown woman pushed me and frustrated that attempt. So I couldn’t even say hi to him. I’m sure that if he could speak he’d tell his parents how much of a rude relative I am. But he can’t. Yet.

After the hectic entrance we tried to find a place to sit down, and I want to put a special emphasis in the word try. It’s amazing the amount of strange people you find at family events, there’s always a side of the family you don’t know, a new boyfriend, a friend who just came back from who knows where and many more weird specimens.  The interesting thing is that this people is so nice, welcoming and warm to the ones they know, but very rude to the rest of the world, so much that they wouldn’t move their chairs to make room for us.

We finally managed to get our share of a tiny table. It almost seems like they think that only kids attend to this parties, there’s gotta be space for adults too! Who do you think that’s paying for all that anyway, the baby? Then the food wars came along. All kinds of drinks, snacks and appetizers were served, to everyone except us, because the “strangers” kept interrupting the waitresses to steal our food. Shame on them. By this point I dare to say everyone had forgotten about the baby, who was playing with other kids and trying to escape from both the photographer and the crazy aunts. There was a moment when I thought “it’s ok, I can give him my dark glasses”, but that would have meant having to actually look at people when they are talking to me, so I didn’t. I don’t really understand the concept of rudeness, if I tell someone I don’t want to talk to them because I find them ridiculously stupid, isn’t that honesty? Isn’t it worse to fake interest?

When the food ran out, I saw myself involved in the kind of conversation where an older person, usually a woman, asks things like “why are you single?” or “what are you going to do with your life?” Personally, I’m quite sick of those so I just fired back with “I’ve slept with a few but I haven’t been fully satisfied yet” and, “who knows? Anything may happen, here’s hoping you don’t live to see that, you selfish bitch”.

Fortunately, the cake arrived before I could say anything else to damage even more the image that they had of me. We all started singing happy birthday and then, Barney comes out, out of the blue. I just couldn’t believe it. I mean, we all know he’s fake, and the little boy doesn’t recognize him. It’s not like when he grows up he’ll go around saying “-You know what? I had a celebrity in my first birthday party. –Oh really? Who was it? – BARNEY THE DINOSAUR!”. Let’s face it that ain’t gonna surprise anybody. Kids are cruel.

When leaving, I started to think about the poor little boy, all that screaming and craziness. Is that the image he has of the rest of us? What would he think about the giant purple dinosaur? I tried to think as if I was him, and I realized that, for him, life was just a very short period of time, where you are a very small thing surrounded by big things that do stuff like feed you and change your diapers, and then one day they take you to a place with colorful balls, a cake and a big purple dinosaur, and a man takes photos of you and everyone else in that place.

To summarize, let’s just say it was an interesting experience, that gave me loads to think about.

Mademoiselle Juliettè,

I don't know why but I have the feeling that I'll regret posting this. It's quite awful really.